Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tutorial – How to have a baby the easy peasy way

1. Enjoy some lovin’, preferably with your husband.

2. Take a pregnancy test, and FREAK out when you see the 2nd little line. Then go take 3 or 4 more tests. And then throw them at your husband’s head just to watch him freak out.

3. Go see your doctor, lots.

4. Walk, preferably 3 miles a day, 3 days a week, all the way up to 39 weeks. (unless otherwise advised by your doctor, see step 2)

5. Eat, a lot.

6. Enjoy the amazing hormone ride that is pregnancy. Trust me when I say there are some MAJOR pluses and MAJOR minuses here.

7. Enjoy all the attention you get while you are pregnant.

8. Try not to smack every hand that touches your belly. Even when it gets annoying. They really are well meaning.

9. Also, try not to smack people when they say things like, “You look like you’re ready to pop!”

10. Take lots of classes. But don’t watch ANY of the videos. They are horrible. Just don’t do it. Trust me on this one. Don’t get the bright idea that you want to see what you are going to go through. Any woman who has agreed to have herself recorded, has probably also agreed to do it all natural, and that should never be recorded. NEVER, EVER.

11. Schedule your induction. Induction is the ONLY way to have a baby.

12. Go to the hospital for your induction.

13. Get your epidural right away.

14. Watch your husband and mother almost pass out when your and your baby’s blood pressure drops to unheard of numbers.

15. Make your husband give you lots and lots of candy canes – preferably Sour Patch Kids candy canes – to help keep your blood sugar up for pushing.

16. When you start to feel anything – a twinge, a hiccup, a headache - ANYTHING, call your nurse and tell her to make the pain go away.

17. An hour later, act really surprised when the nurse asks you why you can’t feel the baby falling out of you.

18. Push for 25 minutes.

CONGRATULATIONS! Your baby has arrived! See how easy that was?

Now you get to do the really hard stuff.

1 comment:

Angie said...

Hmmm...there should be a 2.5, make sure you pick a doctor that lets you induce!!