Friday, June 3, 2011

Pantiliner Premium

I have a question for you?

What exactly is the purpose of a pantiliner if it is not to irritate you endlessly?

I mean, seriously.

That time rolls around and on top of all those amazing girl feelings, you get to deal with floppy pantiliners?

As in, why is this thing trying to wax my hoo-ha?!?!?

I am telling you, there may be nothing worse in the whole wide world.

Except for maybe those giant pad/ice packs they give you after having a baby.

I take that back.

There is nothing evil about those babies. 

They are frozen heaven.

Like ice cream for your crotch.

However, after the initial - my insides have just become my outsides - feeling subsides, said ice pack turns into crotch tundra.

Not that it happened to me, mind you. 

Just someone I know....

Alas, I digress....

I realize, thanks to many horror stories from my mother, that I should be supremely grateful for today's modern technology that allows for adhesive backed feminine protection....

But is there anything wrong with wishing, nay, expecting that the adhesive on the back of a pantiliner/pad would be at least as strong as a band-aid?

Seriously, peeps.

I put a Band-Aid on a cut last week and after multiple handwashings and heaven only knows how many meals with a fork digging into it, the thing still took 3 people and a small crane to peel off of my hand.  (Not literally, but you get the picture)

Part of me wonders if perhaps the people at Always shouldn't be calling the people at Band-Aid to work something out.

Hey, Band-Aid, I got an idea for you.

You should walk into Always with this sales pitch:

"We have a product that sticks to anything and makes grown men cry when it is peeled off and you can't get the backing on a pantiliner to adhere to cotton for more than 30 seconds."

No? Ok.

I will admit, my idea may be lacking a little something....

Like tact.

Which is why I am a blogger and not in advertising.

And what about the wings?

I mean seriously?

Common sense, right?

But there are just some things I have to wonder about?

I mean, really.

What could make an already annoying pantiliner even more violating? 

Oh, I know, an extra flap to come loose and stick to *things*!  Great idea!

Let's call it a "wing"!

Thus implying it may, in fact, take flight while you are wearing it. 

But how do we sell it as a good idea? 

Oh, I know!  Claim it provides extra coverage! 

You know, while it's flying around your underpants.

WINNING!

And while I'm at it...

One more idea....

Let's add on a "wing" to go around thongs.

The wings will adhere to themselves.

Ensuring that after "removal" there will still be a tiny tuft of cotton and adhesive wrapped around your thong.

Permanently.

Never to be removed again.

Again, not that this has ever happened to me....

Just some random ranting from experiences I have heard about.

Maybe you have heard about them too....

Because I think this may make someone smile, I am sharing this over at Serenity Now.

Weekend Bloggy Reading

Hop on over and say hello!

9 comments:

Bumber's Bumblings said...

thanks for helping me bust a gut today!! i realllyyy needed a good laugh today!

Sarah said...

I second that!

Carrie said...

wow! just wow! :)

Jennifer S. said...

This not only made me smile, but laugh out loud! I feel the same way! You are too funny!

The Mommy Therapy said...

This is why God invented tampons.

And when necessary, for whatever reason, the Target brand, Up and Up pantyliners and pads are phenomenal.

Since I pretty much have to wear a pad every time I exercise to prevent peeing my pants, I get a lot of use out of these...I refuse to buy Depends at 34.

Visiting from Amanda's Weekend Bloggy Link Up Party!

Melissa {TheScarletCardinal} said...

This is one hilarious post! Hahahaha...oh man. And I thank God every day for tampons!

Visiting from the Link Up at Serenity Now

tracey :) said...

that was so true so true...thank the lord that i dont have to wear anything anymore!!! hahaha
but i NEVER understood the wing thing....what were they thinking??? & who are the people that actually buy them????

Cortney said...

I had a coupon for free pantiliners a few weeks ago and even though I don't typical have a need for them, I picked them up anyway because they were free. If anything, they make great dust clothes...I simply stuck it t my hand and dusted my whole house in a matter of minutes. LOL!

Katie Newcomb said...

Haha, this is so true!! Thanks for making me smile :)