Monday, July 26, 2010


Male readers beware. You are about to enter Ladyland. A place where we like to brag about ourselves and complain about ourselves in the same breath. Just so you know.

And today’s topic is post baby breasts.

You have been warned.

I feel like there should be an educational manual for those who are considering getting pregnant. Like a couple things you should know before making this decision.

At the top of the list should be “Major breast alterations will occur.”

And the discourse should go something like this:

One of the first symptoms of your pregnancy will be soreness in your general chest area. Soon after that, they will blow up like balloons at a birthday party. And they will continue to get larger and larger, and higher and higher, with every week of your pregnancy. Post birth, they will get even more enormous and some days, as hard as a rock.

Should you choose to pass on the free nutrients your body provides to the baby, you will have to try to get a baby to attach itself to these hard-as-a-rock devices, and it will hurt, and you will not have anyone else to help you. But you will continue to do it because it’s free, and after you have a baby, you will be cheap and never want to run out to the store for baby formula.

And then, after said free nutrients dry up, you will be left with something resembling a water balloon when you are holding it by the knot. And no, I am not kidding.

However, you will be among the few, the proud, the strong, who can truly say that your boobs actually did something useful. Which clearly makes them way better than 20 year old, did-nothing-but-show-off boobs. CLEARLY.

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