Monday, October 4, 2010

Dark around the edges

For those who bake, I am sure you are familiar with the words, "It's getting dark around the edges, but the middle isn't quite done..."  That's where I was at last week.

And I want to apologize.  Not that I am any closer to being "done" this week, but I am in a much better frame of mind than I was when I wrote this post.

After time to think, time to whine talk to Techy, and a good dose of reality yesterday at church, I learned a few things.

Ready to hear the nitty gritty?

Like it or not, I am about to dole it out.  Cause that's what I do.  I keep it real. 

1.  I was/am bitter.
Jealous, harpy, angry, bitter.  ALOT.  Techy said it in the nicest way possible the other night:  "Leah, you are just miserable.  All the time.  Miserable.  Are you EVER going to be happy again?"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

The discomfort I feel right now is affecting the people I am closest to.  I am miserable.  Totally discontent with the journey that I am on.  Totally discontent with the lifestyle I live, the body I have, and the way I look.  And the really sick part?  It's bleeding out into who I am. 

Changing me.

It was like a punch in the gut. 

I've been here before.  But I had no idea I was back. 

2.  I have so much to be thankful for. 

Um, have you met this Guy?
(Yes, the picture is a tad Circa 1992 Home Interiors, but that's what you get when you Google "Jesus Christ")

Puh-lease.  The buck stops there.  I really wouldn't need to say anything else, because really isn't He all I need? 

But then add in the fact that my life intertwined with this guy:

(The picture really says it all.  I am ONE.LUCKY.GIRL.)

And then, just to take things that much farther, there's this guy:

And my life may never be the same.* 

3.  I am not alone. 
You are never going to believe this.  Sit back and hang onto your hats, people...

Did you know




other people

who are struggling right now, too?! 

I know.  Shocking.

Also, did you know that there are people who weigh more than I do? 

I know, I was completely unaware! 

And, I have been told, there are people who could possibly think that I am skinny. 


No, really.  I have been so lost in my own misery that I have completely missed those completely obvious things. 

But yesterday, thanks to an amazing sermon on Jonah, (who, if you don't know the story, was so lost in his own misery and bitterness that he completely missed the fact that God saved him from dying inside of a ginormous fish) I was reminded of something.

Something big. 

Something you might not get the same way I did. 

But here goes.

I am so busy being bitter and jealous. 

Wanting so badly to have what is out of my reach...

That I am completely missing the fact that God has something bigger for me. 

So bitter that I am constantly obsessing about it. 

So cranky that my husband noticed and made mention of it

So jealous that I am completely unaware of anyone but me and my needs. 

Did you also know that there happens to be a handful of people IN MY CIRCLE who are also hurting, bitter, angry, sad, etc. and I didn't even notice?  How did that happen!? 

Lucky for me, a very big God didn't miss any of us. 

Just like He didn't miss Jonah's pity party,

And He didn't give up on any of us. 

He used a very good opportunity to remind me that even though my health is important, even though my weight loss is good, it should never be controlling my life.  There are so many other things that I am here to do. 

I know this is a really sappy post.  But I just gotta put it out there.  In the theme of keeping it real and keeping myself accountable on this journey.

Personally, I really hope that none of you are allowing your missed goals and physical limitations to ruin your outlook. 

I really hope that none of you have let someone else's lifestyle dominate your demeanor, as one of my friends mentioned.

And I really hope that none of you areallowing your own selfishness to limit your life. 

Because I was.  I do.  I am. 

But hopefully, not for much longer.

And maybe now, the middle is closer to being done....

*And I give all credit to the first Guy...


Carrie said...

Favorite. Post. Ever. Now if we could just actually get togethe outside of blog reading so that we could really get to know each other :) Thanks for your honestly!!!

Ang said...

Ummm....I think you are confused and wrote this about me....what??

"So jealous that I am completely unaware of anyone but me and my needs."

Not let me whine to you all the time and not once have I thought to ask how you really are...

You truly are an amazing friend...even when you are "dark around the edges" you're a better friend than most...