Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Helpful How-To: How to Make an Impact

Occasionally, I accidently have a moment of brilliance.

A moment of sheer, uninhibited enlightenment.

And occasionally, you get to reap the benefits of that.

Today is not one of those days.

Just so you know.

Today is actually the opposite day.

(No, not the day that I wear my clothing inside out or backwards like I did on "opposite day" in high school....)

(Although, man, do I wish I had pictures of those memories like this kids does....)

But yeah, so brilliance is not my strong suit today.

It may have something to do with all the stress that is swimming around in my brain.

The same stress that is causing me to create ripples of faux pas everywhere I go.

And ridiculousness.

Ridiculousness that makes me desperately wish I had an elevator at work, so I could start relieving some of my stress with these tactics

Oh how I love elevator jokes.

And so as to not be alone in my impact-making-mania, I am here to share some of the ways I am inadvertently making waves.

Because apparently, lists are my thing this week....

1.  Dress like a crazy person.

Ok, so none of my outfits have included a pirate patch yet....

But I did wear a mini skirt on the coldest day of the week.  WITH a cable knit cardigan.

And didn't shave my legs.

While also wearing bright pink panties that were far too big and stuck out over the waist band by a good 2 inches everytime you even thought about bending over.

My outfits have gotten so random of late that even the people of Walmart are raising their eyebrows at me.

2.  Every day when you come home from work, pull into your driveway, idle for 5 minutes and then pull back out.

This will drive your neighbors bonkers.

They will begin to gossip to over their fences about you.

They may even start trying to see what goes on in your back yard after dark....

Very Tom Hanks, circa 1989.

3.  Ask your neighbors to watch your pet every other weekend while you are out of town.

You thought the gossip was bad before when you were just idling in your driveway?

You won't even believe where it will go when they realize that you aren't even home on the weekends.

They will start suspecting things like witness protection or extra-terestrial hunting....

My poor neighbors....

Even better?

When you get a text from them that said pet has gotten loose. 

And that they chased it around the neighborhood for 2 hours.

While you are presumably enjoying a weekend away.

Yes.  Our neighbors do love us. 

Why do you ask?

4.  Dance {poorly} while driving down the road. 

There is nothing that attracks attention quite like someone attempting to dance to Black Eyed Peas while driving down the road.

Especially when the car starts to rock while you are sitting at a stop light.

To take this just that much farther occasionally turn around to wave at your toddler in the back seat and then try to get them to dance along with you.  The people behind you may not see the toddler, but they will most definitely see you.

And be prepared for the LOOK.

The one they will give you to indicate they recognize your insanity. 

5.  Announce to the world via your blog that you are trying to get pregnant.

And then announce on Facebook that you are going in for an ultrasound.

And watch the responses pour in.

No, people, I am not pregnant.

Much to my chagrin.

But I do have some minor issues with my thyroid that we want to have cleared up before any little stowaway climbs on board....

Sorry for any undue excitement my unintentional comment may have caused. 

Never fear though, you (and by you, I mean the internet at large) will be among the first 352,000 to know when that finally does happen.

If it should happen.

Which I am sure it will. 

In good time.

And by good time, I mean....  Well, actually, nevermind.... I the only one who can't think about baby making without remembering that episode of "Mad About You" when she was ovulating and ended up getting locked in their laundry room before anything could happen?

Anyway, you get the idea.

No, I'm not pregnant.

But in the meantime, I will continue making an impact - good, bad, scary-to-look-at, or just plain weird - every where I go.

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