So I have been thinking alot lately and doing alot of self examination tempered by even more prayer. I am learning alot about who I am and who God made me to be. A few things I have learned:
1. I am a missionary
You may or may not know that my junior year of college, I surrendered my life to God. I wanted to be a missionary and my entire senior year I asked God to open or close doors as he saw fit, but I wanted to be a missionary to Uganda. Unfortunately, God never opened that door for me. Instead he made me a missionary to Delaware. I am not the kind of missionary that you traditionally think of, though. I do not work in the ministry full time, but that does not mean that God is not using me to accomplish his will and spread his message. I am doing what he has called me to do. I have the job he wants me to have. I am a mommy to the son that he gave me and a wife to the husband he gave me. I am a Sunday school teacher and (hopefully) a mentor in the ministry that he has placed me in. I may not be perfect, but I am positive that I am right where God wants me to be doing what God wants me to be doing. And isn't that what being a missionary is all about? Standing in the gap that God puts you in and ministering to the people He places in your way?
2. I am extremely weak
Physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I complain, I gossip, I judge - I fail constantly. And yet...
3. I am really prideful.
Don't ask me what I have to be so proud of....
4. I am a coat-tail rider
This is a startling revelation to me. I have been thinking/praying through alot lately and I realized that my dream has never been to overcome all the challenges and be the front-runner of anything. When I imagine grand things for me, I imagine myself being the right hand support for said front-runner. Over the years, Techy has dabbled in fixing computers on the side, and I always daydream about him creating his own company with me as his administrative/clerical sidekick. Isn't that sad? That's what I day dream about.... I almost want to laugh or cry or something. If life were "Survivor", I would be Natalie from last season (only I wouldn't win a million dollars for my coat-tail riding abilities)
5. I fit where God wants me to fit.
Why is it that those who want so badly to fit in never do and those who don't care do? Imagine a short, fat girl, frizzy haired girl with giant, round blue rimmed glasses in a long jumper and then you will have a somewhat clear image of what I looked like in middle/high school. Then imagine her going off to college in the same long denim jumper (only it was tighter because I gained weight post-graduation due to some boy drama) with slightly shorter, frizzier hair and blue eyeliner. It should be no surprise that I did not fit in with the "In" crowd at all. But the frizzy-headed girl grew up, lost the glasses, ditched the extra weight(then put it back on post-baby) with high expectations of being welcomed to the "In" crowd with open arms...never happened.
Now imagine a skinny, short, teenage boy who looked like he was still 12 years old, who loved video games, computers, and explosives, now mix in a little "I don't care if anybody likes me, I like everyone!" attitude and you will meet one of the most popular people I know - my hubby. In college he quickly rounded out and aged slightly, but he still has a baby face and he never got any taller than 5'10", he isn't into athletics, and he doesn't care to be. He doesn't need to fit in and yet.... Techy could never return phone calls, never check messages, forget names, forget faces, right down to completely avoiding someone, and people still flock to him. (Probably because of that "I like EVERYONE!" attitude....)
Luckily, I have always been blessed with solid friends to get me to the next stage, whether they be best friends to weather the storms with or my mom (who, by the way, is one of the best friends I could ever ask for), there has always been someone to lean on. Not to mention Techy, who is the bestest friend/love of my life that I could ever ask for. With all that, I am doing way better than the "In" crowd!
6. I am exactly where God wants me to be for now.
You may think this is totally bizarre when I tell you how I know this. A while ago, I was going through a very rough phase. Techy and I had been married for several years and although our marriage was fantastic, I was feeling very alone, very unfulfilled in ministry, unfulfilled in my job, just not right. I remember the night that I hit my breaking point…we were on our way to a Christian concert with some friends. I had been praying all afternoon about the situation. On the way, I started to voice my concern to the hubs. As is common, he was completely oblivious to my feelings, but we decided we would pray about it.
We got lost on the way and ended up being late to the concert, but when we walked in the gates, the song the artist was playing stopped me in my tracks. “Greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city”. Being the emotional wreck that I am, I burst into tears. I call it a God moment, when God moves everything to speak to me…it has happened a couple times in my life and I am telling you it’s incredible. Whenever I start to feel that old itch kick up, I start praying for God to show me where he wants me to be, and you wouldn’t believe how often that song ends up on the radio or in a video at church…. For right now, I can tell you that I am where he wants me to be. Who knows what the upcoming weeks/months may bring, but for now, I am in my place and in position. And I am happy with that!