Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Inner Corners of My Mind

*Note: This post is not intended to beg for compliments.  This post is it show you what can happen to the inner workings of your mind when you have spent more than a year focusing on weight loss and now you are focused on maintaining, and somewhere in the process you lose your mind over 2.6 lbs.  Please keep in mind, I am extremely vulnerable on this subject and would not be posting this if it were not for the fact that I KNOW there are people like me out there....  I want you to know, you are not alone.  I am "crazy" too.

While I should probably still be riding on cloud of irridecent bubbles from my recent accomplishment, I am momentarily drowning in discontentment.

The problem is probably resulting from my own personal vanity.

I stared at myself in the bubble long enough to assume that the image I see there is accurate.

NOTE: Bubbles should never be used as mirrors...the bubble image is always distorted.

Allow me to explain....

After spending about 28 hours enjoying my success in Sunday's race, I started looking at the pictures from Sunday's race.

And that's when it hit me.

Despite the fact that over the last 17 months, I have lost 60+ lbs....

(And have put on 2.6)

Despite the fact that I work out approximately 5 hours a week.

And despite the fact that I on Sunday, I did something that even a few short weeks ago, I thought was impossible....

I still think of myself as a fat girl.

When I looked at the pics from my race this is what I saw.

In my head, I know I am crazy.

In my heart, all I can think is, "How am I still that big?"

Not that anyone would ever look at me and say, "Oh, wow, you need to lose some weight!"

With the exception of Tyra Banks and Miss Jay.

But to the general public, I am in overall good health. 

I am neither too thin nor too (in the words of Nelly) thicky-thicky-thick.

But I feel like my body should speak more to all my hard work.

I feel like my thighs should be skinny.

My belly rolls should be gone.

I should be a skinny mommy.

I let it get to me.

I may have even gotten momentarily emotional about it.

Because that's what I do....

And then I remembered something...

A few weeks ago, Shannon, from Philadelphia Phitness Pharmacy posted this from SkinnyRunner.

It reads:

I HAVE THUNDER THIGHS.  And that’s a compliment because they are strong and toned and muscular and though they are unwelcome in the petite section, they are cheered on in marathons.  Fifty years from now I’ll bounce a grandchild on my thunder things and then I’ll go out for a run. 

I can't tell you how much I needed that today.

I am trying to keep in mind that just because I have loose skin all over my body, I am not fat.

I carried a baby. 

And gained 60 lbs. 

My body has been stretched to its limits.

And then I began a momentous weight loss journey.

And then I began my road to running.

And this weekend, I ran 13.1 miles.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have everything to be thankful for.

Even my "Thunder Thighs"....


Cindi-Jean said...

I feel your pain. I always find everything wrong with me and consider myself a Fatty McFatty. It's hard to let go. we all have to learn to let it slip as we embrace our healthy bodies. And they are healthy, which means we'll be around for a long time to come. And we can run the whole time.

emily said...

Thank you for writing this. I too feel this way and cannot understand why even in a staged picture (where I am sucking EVERYTHING in) the result is a muffin top. After losing 54lbs this should not happen. After running/exercising my heart out I should be super tiny. The truth is you do look great although you think others see what you see in a picture. Guess what? They don't. Put a pair of pants on from 6months post baby and look how baggy the thighs are in them. You've come a long way baby.

Bumber's Bumblings said...

just going to say it, Leah & fat girl, should never be used in the same sentence. ever. Okay??