Helpful How-To: Cutting a Watermelon - The LESS Messy Way

THIS came in an email to me this morning.

Now, I don't wanna be all weird about this.... 

And I realize I don't have exclusive rights to "Helpful How-To's", but I was totally going to do a "Helpful How To" about cutting a watermelon like you would cut a pineapple....

Big Brother?  Is that you? 

That mindreading thing you do is scary....

But yeah.

So....
Initially, I was all, REFERENCE, w00t!

But then I watched the video.

And her way is nothing like my way.

At All.

So her example - using a pineapple - is irrelevant for my melon cutting post.

So I guess I'll just explain it using words.

And word pictures.

And maybe free internet pictures.

Note to self (and to you): Next time, do not Google Image Search "melons".

Take the extra 3 seconds to type out WATERmelons.

Especially if you are on your work computer.

You can thank me later.

So yeah.

Back to the WATERmelons.

And the cutting of them.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I am a fickle neat freak.

My house may not reflect it, but...

Watch me get something sticky on my hands, and you'll see the neat freak come out.

I look like Michael Scott when he gets near the compactor...I get all twitchy and can't keep my hands under control.

Which is why I like to cut my watermelon into neat little cubes that easily fit on the end of a fork.

Which is pretty much how this post came to be.

Because I'm OCD.

Maybe I should rename the title of this post to "How the OCD's cut WATERmelons"

But I'm feeling lazy.

Like Bruno Mars.

Who was pretty much the first person in the world to alert me of the "Dougie Dance"

Yes.  I live under a rock.

And I still don't know what the Dougie Dance looks like.

Even though I tried to YouTube it. 

Did you know that if you YouTube the Dougie Dance, you don't get videos of people actually doing the dance?

You only get videos of people teaching other people how to do the Dougie Dance.

NOTE TO SELF: next week's HHT could be quick and easy if you want to teach people how to do the Dougie Dance.

Ahem.

Back to the topic.  Before I lose anyone else.

I saw 4 people yawn about 6 lines ago.

Sorry for that.

Cutting WATERmelons.

Engaging serious face.

And trying to stop wondering about the Dougie Dance....

Step 1.  Cut off the top and bottom. 

Kind of like in the pineapple video.

Only without the sprig of palm tree coming out of the top.

Your WATERmelon should look like this while you are cutting the ends off.

Don't get all bent out of shape if you should realize that your WATERmelon isn't this long.

They don't come that long these days.

(That's what she said....  I know.  Sorry.  Couldn't resist.)

Step 2.  Stand your WATERmelon up on one of its now-flat ends and cut the rind away.

You know.

Like most people do with a pineapple.

No.  I'm not bitter.  Why do you ask?

It'll look a little like this... (NOTHING like what she did in that video.  Ugh)

At this point,  you will have a bare WATERmelon that looks something like a brain.

Or so my houseguest of the week says.

It really freaked him out that I cut my WATERmelons this way. 

Don't ask me why....

Step 3. Slice and chop your WATERmelon insides.

Like this: 

And this:

Step 4. Stick a fork in it.  You're done!

Unless, of course, you wanna store it all. 

In which case, you would need to put your little chopped up pieces in tupperware or rubbermaid or pampered chef or whatever it is that you use at your house. 

Then stick it in the fridge.

But my guess is that it won't make it that far.

I know mine never does.

Because I enjoy it. 

And more than that, I enjoy the fact that I don't have to have stickiness all over my hands.

You can thank me later.


Post-Script: All photos in this post came from here - where you could've gotten the instructions without all my distractions.  Sorry about that.