Truly Professional

So I love to dole out unsolicited advice…LOVE it. The only thing better than unsolicited advice is solicited advice. But since that hardly ever happens….

I think it’s because I agonize so often over everything in my life, and if I had had someone to dole out some realistic advice, I might not have freaked out as much over my life. Not that I heed all the advice I hear.

Others: You should really try that all protein, no carb diet.
Me: No thanks! I love my carbs!

Others: You should be watching Dancing with the Stars! It’s amazing this season!
Me: I am still really angry at Bachelor Jake for picking Vienna and I really can’t stomach watching him be happy every week knowing he is with her. Also I can’t bear to watch Kate Gosselin trip over her own 2 feet week after week.

Others: You should really deliver that baby all natural. It is an amazing experience that you will never forget.
Me: No thanks! I enjoy the fact that I don’t have to suffer for hours in order to get my baby into this world, and I am going to relish the joys of technology and science as I deliver. Also, I don’t want to remember the horror that is natural childbirth.

You get the idea.

I, on the other hand, helpfully dole out SENSIBLE advice.

Me: You should really clean the dirt out from under your toenails before wearing sandals. Really.
Others: Thank you! That is a very helpful hint! I am so glad you brought that to my attention!

Me: You do realize that wearing white pants only serves to make your hips look wider? Wearing black pants is much more sensible for someone who wants to make their hips look smaller
Others: Wow, you are a fashionista! Thanks!

Me: When you want to boss someone around, but don’t want them to get angry at you, always call them “hon” or “sweetheart” and make it sound as sweet and southern as possible. The more southern you sound, the less they can get angry with you.
Others: You are so right! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom!

All that being said, I realized this week that I have bestowed advice to everyone I know who has had a baby since me. Sad, huh? I probably should apologize to everyone for that. Sorry, guys.

I really was expecting the worst when I gave birth to Little Man, (probably a result of my miserable pregnancy) and really got the best. Labor was not bad, thanks to the help of lots and lots of meds. Delivery was a breeze. (Ya know as far as pushing a watermelon out of your hoo ha can get) Nursing was ok. Clogged mammory glands suck, but ya know…it comes with the territory. Baby sleeping through the night…check! And I want everyone else to experience that. And so I dole out the advice that helped me and things that I learned along the way that I wished I had known beforehand. Should I be sorry for that? Who’s to say.

Looking back, I think I do and have done this about everything.
-College? Let me share my opinions….
-Getting married? I would LOVE to weigh in on which dress your mom should wear and how you should style your hair.
-Redecorating your house? Have you seen my mad decorating skills? Let me show you how to balance that room out!

If I have done this to you, please know that it is only because 1) I agonize about decisions and 2) like to pretend like I know everything. And love me anyway. K? Thanks!