Friday, December 18, 2009

Confessions of the Un-“Single Lady”

I have a confession to make…several actually….

No. 1
I have unfortunately failed in one of my goals. I was never able to learn the Single Ladies’ Dance! Not for a lack of trying…last night, alone, I spent a solid hour, possibly more, trying to learn the trademark wiggles and kicks. I won’t lie, I look pretty remarkable doing the dance, especially since I was not able to haul my butt out of a chair to do it, so I was attempting to replicate the moves while sitting in our rolley office chair. But from the chair I can’t kick, I can’t wiggle, I certainly cannot manage bending to the ground on one leg, while stretching the other out to the side!

Since I cannot lug my rolley office chair to a wedding, however, I absolutely will not be able do the dance. Not in a box, not with a fox…I cannot do it, Sam I Am.

In case you want to know how bad dexterity is these days…. Last night, I sat in the floor for about 20 minutes in order to assemble a baby toy that had been given to us, but when I went to stand up, I couldn’t get up! I practically had to lie down in the floor, roll to one side and use my arms and legs to maneuver myself into a crouching position in order to get upright. RIDICULOUS!

No. 2
When I announced my pregnancy, I promised one of my girlfriends that I would not let my life revolve around the pregnancy. Although I could argue my innocence in several ways, to someone who has never been pregnant, I flat out lied. All my facebook statuses are related to my little man or my pregnancy woes. All my blog entries discuss my pregnancy in some way or another. Sorry about that! I had no idea what I was talking about when I made that promise and if you are offended by my drastic lifestyle change, you need to know that pregnancy has got to be one of the strangest things I have ever experienced in both good and bad ways, and I just wanted to share that weirdness, because I love to share weirdness! I promise that if you ever speak to me again, I have other things to talk about as long as you don’t ask me about my pregnancy or the baby.

No. 3
I want my life to be normal again. I don’t want to have to bend over a giant belly anymore, but I don’t want to have to get up every few hours all night long to feed a crying baby either. Terrible, huh? Yes, I am a terrible person and I am pretty sure I will be a rotten mother for a while.

No. 4
I slightly resent the fact that my husband gets off so easily with this whole situation. I mean really, I had to provide my greenhouse of a body for 10 months to grow this thing, then I have to sacrifice my genitals to get him out of me, and of course, we are going to try the breastfeeding thing, so the child will be totally dependent on me for feedings as well…. And then after just 1 week of helping take care of the little guy, Techy gets to go to work for 9 hrs a day and forget about keeping Little Man alive. So unfair.

No. 5
I am being very pessimistic today.
I was doing just fine with all of this until last night when Techy decided it would be fun to Google child birth videos. DON’T EVER DO THAT! EVER!!! The video we watched was from like 1980-something and the mother had to have an episiodomy. If you don’t know what that is, lucky you. But we watched it. And I have been sitting with my legs crossed ever since. I am not telling ANYONE if I have a contraction. Maybe he can just stay in there for a while. I don’t know why they ever did away with that whole “knock mom out and let her wake up when her baby is here” thing. Seems like a much better option.
Pretty sure that video pushed me right over the edge....

No. 6
I am 99.9% sure that I am going to have this baby this weekend.
Determining factors?
-I am 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced, meaning that Little Man is approaching the runway.
-My tailbone hurts like crazy, meaning that Little Man is approaching the runway.
-It is supposed to snow 8-10 inches of snow this weekend.
-My parents are going to be snowed in with predictions of more than a foot of snow coming their way and they definitely won’t be able to be here until sometime next week.
-I am currently terrified of giving birth and have talked myself out if.
Yep, I will be very surprised if he hasn’t arrived by Monday.

No comments: