Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Locked Up

Once upon a time, there was a 31 year old woman...

Sitting in the back seat of a minivan...

Watching Veggie Tales and trying to hear what the adults were saying up front.

(Not much has changed in the past 20 years.)

But on this one, very special occasion, this had been going on for more than an hour and two whiny toddlers were between the woman and the Veggie Tales AND the adults.

To say she was bored is to say that Kim Kardashian was just kinda over her marriage to Kris Humphreys....

(Remember that?!?!  REMEMBER when Kim Kardashian was married for a month and filed for divorce??)

Which leads me to wonder...did she just pick him out because of the K name?

And is that why she's with Kanye now?

And why do I know any of this???

My point, of course, is that she was really, really bored.

And if you have ever been trapped strapped in the back end of a minivan with only toddlers and a toddler dvd between you and the nearest adult, you probably know that entertainment is hard to come by.

And if your cell phone is dead, it is even harder to come by.

Meaning, you, inevitably, will start counting the cold, curly french fries scattered on the seat around you....

Or you will start playing with leftover Happy Meal Toys.

And if you are really desperate, you may (but you shouldn't) stick your hands into the pockets and cubbies and cupholders around you, trying to make the time pass.

But chances are, you will never end up in the situation that this lady ended up in last week....

Because, chances are, most of you don't have a police officer for a brother in law.

And if you do, chances are, his 5 year old hasn't tucked away an old pair of his on-duty handcuffs to play with on long car rides.

And if, by chance, this scenario presents itself to you, the next few words I am about to say may save you untold embarrassment:

Do not...

Yes, you may believe them to be toy handcuffs.

But I caution you to take a moment and feel the weight of them, before letting your instinct override the situation.

Because you could easily end up like this...


With every adult in sight laughing at you.

And most of the toddlers as well.

What's worse?

You may come to realize that your only way out is to drive until you see a police car and then beg him to unlock you.

Or in this case, drive to the school where my her mother works, and have her page the School Resource Officer, while you stand in the principle's office waiting.

And hope no one asks you to explain how you came to have police grade handcuffs on your wrist.

Not that this has ever happened to any one I know, mind you....

You can thank me later.


BumbersBumblings said...

I'm sorry for your misfortune, but thank you for that laugh!! I needed that!!

Wayne Elgin said...

If you snap the second cuff: instant bangles.