Zerrissenheit - a state of disjointedness; also the state of my life at this point in time.
Our baby is 6 weeks old today.
So much has changed. So much hasn't.
It snowed this weekend. I say snow, but in actuality, it "blizzarded" this weekend. About 16 to 20" inches, depending on where you measure. About half way through the storm, Techy ventured out to start scooping the blizzard off our driveway. I didn't see him again for about 4 hours. He and our neighbor spent the time shoveling one another's porch, side walks, and driveways. Lucky for us, where my husband has technology toys, our neighbor has handy man toys and he has a snow blower. (Unfortunately, the snow was higher than the snow blower so they had to shovel a path for the snow blower to go in...)
Meanwhile, I was inside with a very cranky dog and a nap-hating Little Man.
When Techy finally came inside, I was feeding Little Man, and since he couldn't help with that, he opted to play video games for the rest of the day.
Then yesterday, when I got up at 6:30 to feed Little Man, Techy decided he would get up and play more video games.
And then he needed to go dig a tunnel in the snow for our dog, who, after 2 days inside was beginning to chew his nails and chase his tale for entertainment.
And then he decided to build a fire in his firepit. Because what would be better than having a fire in the snow?
And I was still inside with the baby. When he finally came in, he said, "I wished you would come outside with me..."
And then he tells me we are going to that the Super Bowl Party we were going to, which was supposed to be just us and our close friends, had grown and he had invited some people as had his buddy.
And I freaked.
Alone all weekend with the baby, barely enough time to bathe, since my baby doesn't sleep more than 45 minutes at a stretch during the day, and now we are going to a party, where I will have to spend at least 2 hours hiding, while I breastfeed our baby or pump after he spent the whole weekend playing?! REALLY??? How is that fair? That's no party! That's more work. And heaven forbid if my baby cries!
In my next life, I am definitely losing the uterus.
With my next baby, I am definitely not breast feeding. The onus will not be on me alone next time....
I realize my husband is working hard every day, and he deserves his down time. I knew when I had the Little Man that I would be the one to sacrifice my down time and my hubby wouldn't. I have worked hard to not complain, but this weekend, I freaked at him.
And he fed Little Man and entertained him so I could take my shower. We cancelled on the Super Bowl party (as did everyone else with the enormous amounts of snow). I am pretty sure that my best friend is still mad at me for flaking out on her party. But we are still adjusting and as yet my new normal does not have normalcy . I keep hoping, but it's nowhere in sight.