The Story Of My Life

This is going to be an emotional post.

Because, dude, that's how I roll.

I can't be funny all the time!!!

But, if that's what you are here for, do I have a story for you!

Meanwhile.

In the emotional roller coaster that is my life.

These last few days, I have been thinking alot about my life.

Our lives.

How we got here.

Where we came from.

And I have been reminded of some really dark times for me.

I've talked a little about it before...

But when we were first married, I was going through some really tough times.

I was homesick.

My only friends worked all the time or were full time college students.

My mother-in-law was very sick and required constant attention.

My mom was going through alot of craziness.

And life was just...

For lack of a better word...

HARD.

Michael Scott would be dying right now.

But seriously.

I cried alot.

I was very heavy.

And a little lot discontent with my life.

I remember there being days that I would say things like, "Why me?".

And the occasional, "I didn't sign up for this!"

On one particular night, I had had enough.

We were on our way to a concert 2 hours away.

And I picked a fight.

Have you ever done that???

I'm sure you haven't.

You are all saints aren't you?

Well, sometimes, I fall off the pedestal a little.

Don't be so shocked.

I'm still sporting a halo 99.9% of the time.

But this one time, it fell a little bit.

And yes, I picked a knock down, drag out, good-old-fashioned-screaming-match-fight in a car where Techy and I were both trapped for several more hours/minutes.

I went through every range of emotion there was.

Anger.  Why am I going through so much crap?

Discontentment. Why do I have to deal with all this?

Loneliness.  Why am I all alone?

Guilt.  I shouldn't be feeling this way, but....

Homesickness.  At the heart of it all, I just wanted things to go back to the way they were.

And I bottled up all those feelings, and spit them all out in one extremely hurtful statement -

"I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!"

And not just from the concert...

After which, we sat in stony silence for the rest of the trip.

We pulled into the parking lot, and we tried to pull it all together.

Act like we liked each other....

To make matters worse, we were late to the concert.

We were both miserable.

We got out of the car, made our apologies, and put our game faces on.

But as we walked into the outdoor arena where the music was blaring over the loudspeakers, my emotions were ROLLING.

And then I heard it.

I think, we all know that music speaks to me....

And this was no exception.

Because the first words I heard as we walked into that concert were:

"Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city"

Not at home.

Not in my comfort zone.

Not where I wanted to be.

But right where I was.

And that was the day that I realized something.

Contentment is not about being where you want to be.

Contentment is about being where you are supposed to be.

That night I made a commitment.

A commitment to love the place where I was at for as long as God had me there.

And for the next 4.5 years, I did just that.

I committed to that place.

Until the day that God moved us.

And some days I still long for that place.

Because after 6.5 years, it was comfortable.

It was home.

It was normal.

And now, some people look at us and think we are the craziest people in the world.

Some people look at what we've been through in the last year and a half and think, why on earth would you ever do that?

Why would you leave everything you have established together and move 800 miles away to something you don't know?

But that night changed alot for me.

It shook me to my core.

Because that night was the night that I learned that joy is tied to contentment.

Not happiness.

For any of you who may be wondering through your own darkness, I feel your pain.

I've been there.

You aren't alone.

And just so you know...greater things have yet to come!

Believe it with me.

The Time In Between

I feel like so many of us are living in the waiting game.

Waiting to have peace about this situation.

Waiting till I accomplish this or do that.

Waiting for a phone call...

Waiting for a job opportunity....

Waiting....

In between....

About a year ago, I happened upon a free download of Francesca Battistelli's song - Time In Between

Being one given to freebies, I obviously downloaded it.

And then tried not to cry every time I heard it after that.

I get it....

How do I always forget?

He lived through the time in between....

And he has a purpose for MY time in between....

Fancy that?

Don't get it?

Just listen to the song....



And then tell me you don't get it.

So thankful for the time in between....

The Hush...

Today, I am keeping quiet, and praying for healing...and perhaps the sound of a still small voice....

1 Kings 19: 11-12
And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

Organized by Ever Ours and Utterly Engaged.

An Open Window

Today it's raining.

I never thought I liked rain.

Until it showed up and wasn't snow.

And until it showed up to wash all the dirty snow and ice away.

Today, I am thankful for the rain.

And as much as I don't want to talk about it, I have to thank all of you who have listened to me whine about my silly little problem.

First, and most importantly, Little Man is not even aware of the problem, so really there is no problem.  Yet.

Secondly, I am no longer the emotional cloud of massive destruction that I was on Sunday.  Techy and I banded together, made a ton of phone calls and some quick decisions.

Thirdly, I have peace.  We haven't fully come to a decision, but I am starting to see what I always look for - God's hand.  I can see what He is doing and I can see that it is good. 

Painful in the short term, but wonderful in the long term. 

And I can be thankful for it, even if I still ask why.

Today, even with the cold wind and rain outside, I am thankful for an open window that lets in fresh air.

(Don't worry if you don't get the metaphor, I am not sure I get it either, but doesn't it sound philosophical???)

In the meantime, I was reading through my daily blog list, and it just so happens that Centsational Girl's post is about books she is reading. 

One of the books she mentions is entitled "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist.  Interesting.

The tag line under the title is "thoughts on change, grace, and learning the hard way".  Hmmm.  Familiar.

And then CG goes and gives a quote from the book -

“Change is good in a way that childbirth is good, heartbreak is good and failure is good . . . it can push us, pull us, rebuke us and remake us. . . it is a function of God’s graciousness not life’s cruelty.”

Ya'll don't even need to read her post today.  K?  Cause it's just for me. 

No, really.  It's a God thing. 

He's talking to me through CG. 

I know, I know. 

We were all expecting a burning bush, right?

Instead it's a design blogger via Google Reader.

Who needs a burning bush, anyhow?! 

It's much too cold to be taking off my shoes today!

But I can think of no better way to term these feelings. 

Bittersweet. 

Perfection.

P.S. For the record, Pioneer Woman is also speaking to me today via her post on Sonic.  It should however be noted that she is speaking to my STOMACH and not my SOUL.

Growing Pains

Wow.  2 Serious posts in one week.  Sorry, guys, but it's gotta come out.

For the past year, my little guy has been in the safe and wonderful hands of one of the most amazing day care ladies I have ever met.
More than being my day care lady, she is my friend, and as close to family as this little Southern girl has had.

I have been ever so thankful for her.

But today, I got the phone call that I should have expected.

Only I wasn't.

She's closing her doors due to the need to care for her elderly mother.

And I am sad.

Sad for her.

Sad for me.

Sad for Little Man.

Just typing the words hurts.

It sounds so ridiculous, I know.

But it's her mom, who I love so desperately.

And it's my baby, who loves them both even more than I do!

He has spent hours with her.

Day after day.

He loves her.

By golly, his 3rd word was her name.

In the end, my head knows that change is good.

And my head knows that this doesn't surprise God.

My head even realizes that He has something else out there for us. 

But on this Sunday night when we have nowhere else to call and only time to worry, this is where I go.

You know, after hiding under the covers all afternoon and crying my eyeballs out.

I know there are other options out there.

It certainly isn't as if she was the only day care lady who ever existed.

But I had so many plans for this year.

So many hopes.

Finding a new day care situation, and I'll just say it, PAYING for a new day care situation was not among MY plans.

Teaching Little Man to be comfortable in a new environment - especially at this age - is not something I wanted to deal with.

Today, I cry, I pray, I hope, I wait, and yes, I worry.

Tomorrow will probably be much the same. 

Even as I have to drop him off every day for the next 2 weeks, I know the tears will fall.

But I know that so often in life we would never get anywhere if we never moved on.

And I trust that that's what this will do.

Move us to something better.

Both for her and for us.

I am so going to miss knowing that Little Man is with his "Isaaaaaaaaa!"

But I am trusting that God knows something better than I do.

Sorry for this depressing detour on my happy go lucky journey!

Until tomorrow!


Goodnight, Friends.

Enough

{Get Ready, Peeps!  It's a Serious Post!!!}

There was a time. 

A long time ago.

Or maybe it wasn't so long ago....

That I was lonely.

I moved here from Virginia, knowing only my husband, my in-law's, and a handful of people who were in my wedding.

By the time we had been married for a year, I had a new job, a new (to us) house, a new church, and a whole new world of problems. 

Family problems.

Big ones.

Things that I don't really like to talk about on the ole blog because in reality, it brings people down.

But within the first 2 years of our marriage, we suffered a break in one of our families and a suicide in the other.

And the days were dark.

And long.

And very scary.

And pretty darn lonely for a girl who lived 400 miles away from her mommy and sister and whose best girlfriend was working her way through school.

Those were the days that I started to cling to the hope I mentioned here.

Those were the days that we got through on prayer, faith, and lots of love.

But they were also very lonely days.

Days when I had no one to confide in.

No one.  Except for HIM.

Days when I cried for no reason except for the fact that we were alone in this.

Except for HIM.

Days when I dealt with pain, hurt, and loneliness beyond belief.

And one day, I was driving in my car on the way to work.

When I heard a song come on the radio.

The words were like salve to a burnt soul.

"All of You is more than enough for all of me.

For every hurt and every need.

You satisfy me

With Your love.

And all I have in You,

Is more than ENOUGH".

Tears.

Healing tears flowed that day.

My mom and I have always shared what we term as "God Moments". 

Moments when there is no other explanation for the divine intervention of a merciful God.

And that was one of those days.

You see, as I heard those words, I realized that I serve a God who is more than enough to fill my needs.

To heal the pain.

To restore joy where there is none.

To put beauty in the place of ashes.

And to give life to the word "hope".

And that's more than enough for me.

Beauty for Ashes

If you scoot around blogland at all, you probably have heard about Edie, who lost her home In a fire just days before Christmas.

I was not a follower of her blog before.

In reality, I had never heard of her.

But I started reading her posts over the last few days....

And this post took me to my knees.

And I was reminded of something.

In our darkest days, we have a God of promise and restoration.

It hasn't been so long that our family had our share of dark days.

It hasn't been so long that I went to God looking for explanations and only received these words.

 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.
 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
   and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
   that have been devastated for generations.

Promises.

Beauty for ashes.

I have lived it.

And I pray that Edie experiences it too.

Beauty for ashes.

And I send this out today, along with all the other bloggers in the world, in honor of her special day.

Check out their posts too! But have a box of Kleenex handy!
Happy birthday, Edie!

2 Holes

When I was a Junior in college, I decided to be a rebel.

Keep in mind, I went to a private, CHRISTIAN college with very strict rules.

Being a rebel didn't take much.

I was just coming out of a difficult breakup and trying to move on.  I.e., CHANGE.  In any and all ways possible. 

I started hanging out with different people, changed the way I dressed, and dated any male that moved (let's just say I was desperate for attention.)

I would say it was a fun year, but definitely not my best.

My parents (read: protective Daddy) had taken us as little girls to get our ears pierced.

When we were in high school, my sister begged for 2nd holes, the resounding answer was a firm no. 

But I never asked.

And my junior year, I came home at Christmas time with this.

(Pardon the fuzzy cell pic.  Do you know how hard it is to take a pic of your own ear?!)

And to my extreme disappointment, no one even noticed.

Except for my mom.  Who told me she loved the look.

??

But to be honest, I guess it didn't really matter.

Because I noticed.

As silly as it seems, the decision that I made that day to get my ears pierced a second time started something.

Something that I had never experienced before.

It started a little fire I like to call confidence.

Confidence to make a small decision as a grown woman.

Confidence to change my style.

Confidence to be the person I wanted to be without being afraid of what someone might think.

And confidence to move on.

The irony of it all is that for the last several years, I have hardly ever worn anything in those second holes. 

Call it life.

Call it laziness.

But part of me wonders if it isn't confidence without reinforcements.

Nowadays, if you catch me wearing anything in those second holes, it's more a fashion statement than a personality statement.

And I am so glad to be on this end of the 2nd hole. 

(That's what she said! - Thank you Michael Scott for forever ruining the word "hole" for me....)

The End.

Invisible Inadequacy

Every now and then, you have the opportunity in your life to experience something you have always dreamed of, but have rarely gotten to experience for yourself. 

And I am not just talking about my race....

I am talking about something just a bit bigger.

It's been an amazing couple of months at our church. 

God has been using our pastor in amazing ways. 

Speaking to hurting hearts like you cannot even imagine.

Yesterday, I was again reminded that despite my best efforts to follow and do and be what God has called me to be, I continue to fail. 

And yet, He still allows me to serve.  And He still chooses to use me.

Yesterday morning, by the grace of God, I, along with my friend Kristen, had the opportunity to lead a teenage girl to the Lord.

I was stunned by her simple admission of need.

I mean really, how often do teenagers ask how to become a child of God?

How often do they readily admit their sin?

How often do they willingly accept that Christ died for those sins?

And how often are they willing to confess their sin to the God of Mercy, and accept the eternal gift that He provided?

Let's just say, I have lived almost 30 years on this earth and I have only seen it a handful of times.

And I am more thankful than ever for the opportunity to witness it again.

And I'm humbled that despite my continued failure, He chose to use me.

I mean, really, when He has the power to use the rocks and trees to bring Himself glory, why use someone as faulty as me?

I have alot to be thankful for this week.

The Beat Goes On

I don't know about you, but this week just keeps getting busier for me. 

It's all good stuff.

But it isn't the BEST stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

Things like meeting here, doctor appointment there, workout ALL OVER THE PLACE, dinner time here, time with the in-laws, etc., etc., etc.

It's only Wednesday, and I am just beat! 

The sad part is that the 2nd half of my week is about 500 times more busy than the first half .

Techy has been busy all week editing photos from his photo shoot this weekend...

I have been busy just trying to push in at least an hour workout every day.

Little Man is going through the Terrible 10 months....  Seriously.  Why does no one tell you about THIS phase?  I mean, you hear ALL ABOUT the terrible 2's, but terrible 10 months came out of nowhere!  He's a teething, cruising-almost-walking, independent-clingy, want-to-feed-myself-with-a-fork MESS!  Someone actually called him "spoiled" this morning.  I almost cried.  This mommy business makes me feel more like a failure every single day.

But I am reminded of something...

Actually, I was reminded on Sunday of something incredibly special....

Our Pastor preached on Sunday from 2 Cor. 12

Specifically on this verse:

⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

And then today, my friend Bethany, who just moved to Nicaragua with her family, posted this post.

Watching Little Man develop the way I have over the last few months, the thought that Jesus had to learn to crawl becomes even that much more special to me.  It's so comforting to know that no matter how weak I am, He is strong.  And he understands.

Now, I just have to figure out a way to put away my pride and my OCD nature and "boast in my infirmities".

Dark around the edges

For those who bake, I am sure you are familiar with the words, "It's getting dark around the edges, but the middle isn't quite done..."  That's where I was at last week.

And I want to apologize.  Not that I am any closer to being "done" this week, but I am in a much better frame of mind than I was when I wrote this post.

After time to think, time to whine talk to Techy, and a good dose of reality yesterday at church, I learned a few things.

Ready to hear the nitty gritty?

Like it or not, I am about to dole it out.  Cause that's what I do.  I keep it real. 

1.  I was/am bitter.
Jealous, harpy, angry, bitter.  ALOT.  Techy said it in the nicest way possible the other night:  "Leah, you are just miserable.  All the time.  Miserable.  Are you EVER going to be happy again?"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

The discomfort I feel right now is affecting the people I am closest to.  I am miserable.  Totally discontent with the journey that I am on.  Totally discontent with the lifestyle I live, the body I have, and the way I look.  And the really sick part?  It's bleeding out into who I am. 

Changing me.

It was like a punch in the gut. 

I've been here before.  But I had no idea I was back. 


2.  I have so much to be thankful for. 

Um, have you met this Guy?

(Yes, the picture is a tad Circa 1992 Home Interiors, but that's what you get when you Google "Jesus Christ")

Puh-lease.  The buck stops there.  I really wouldn't need to say anything else, because really isn't He all I need? 

But then add in the fact that my life intertwined with this guy:

(The picture really says it all.  I am ONE.LUCKY.GIRL.)

And then, just to take things that much farther, there's this guy:

And my life may never be the same.* 


3.  I am not alone. 
You are never going to believe this.  Sit back and hang onto your hats, people...

Did you know

that

there

are

other people

who are struggling right now, too?! 

I know.  Shocking.

Also, did you know that there are people who weigh more than I do? 

I know, I was completely unaware! 

And, I have been told, there are people who could possibly think that I am skinny. 

Bizarre. 

No, really.  I have been so lost in my own misery that I have completely missed those completely obvious things. 

But yesterday, thanks to an amazing sermon on Jonah, (who, if you don't know the story, was so lost in his own misery and bitterness that he completely missed the fact that God saved him from dying inside of a ginormous fish) I was reminded of something.

Something big. 

Something you might not get the same way I did. 

But here goes.

I am so busy being bitter and jealous. 

Wanting so badly to have what is out of my reach...

That I am completely missing the fact that God has something bigger for me. 

So bitter that I am constantly obsessing about it. 

So cranky that my husband noticed and made mention of it. 

So jealous that I am completely unaware of anyone but me and my needs. 

Did you also know that there happens to be a handful of people IN MY CIRCLE who are also hurting, bitter, angry, sad, etc. and I didn't even notice?  How did that happen!? 

Lucky for me, a very big God didn't miss any of us. 

Just like He didn't miss Jonah's pity party,

And He didn't give up on any of us. 

He used a very good opportunity to remind me that even though my health is important, even though my weight loss is good, it should never be controlling my life.  There are so many other things that I am here to do. 

I know this is a really sappy post.  But I just gotta put it out there.  In the theme of keeping it real and keeping myself accountable on this journey.

Personally, I really hope that none of you are allowing your missed goals and physical limitations to ruin your outlook. 

I really hope that none of you have let someone else's lifestyle dominate your demeanor, as one of my friends mentioned.

And I really hope that none of you areallowing your own selfishness to limit your life. 

Because I was.  I do.  I am. 

But hopefully, not for much longer.

And maybe now, the middle is closer to being done....


*And I give all credit to the first Guy...

Praying and Weighting

I am sure you are tired of hearing about it, but I am working so hard to lose this stubborn, stubborn weight. 

This week has been a rough week for me.

I haven't lost anything since the last weigh in more than a week ago.

It's easy to get discouraged. 

I work so hard.  Counting calories, working out an hour a day, 5 days a week, and not losing weight. 

And I still have 30 lbs. to lose.

I can see it if I were like 10 lbs from my goal, but this whole journey has been stinking hard from the very beginning. 

I am beginning to feel like a failure. 

And then I read this....

And it was everything I could do not to sit in the floor and cry.

He made me.

He knows me.

He knows my silly little weight loss woes.

He loves me.

He adores me. 

Just as I am. 



I got some big news today that may explain alot about my struggle. 

So I pray, and I wait.  Or do I weight?  (Anyone?  Really?  Ok, maybe it's just me...sorry)

All the same, I am secure in the fact that no matter the situation, I am loved by my Father. 

And that's good enough for me.

...the Tigers come at night...

We were all very close to my Grandma Wright – my great-grandmother. She was the kind of woman with a bright smile and open arms. She made everyone around her comfortable, and I never knew her to be less than warm and generous with anyone. Despite the fact that she lived an hour and a half away, Mom and Grandma were always very close and we went to visit as often as possible.

About a week before Grandma Wright passed away, she was put in the hospital for a simple procedure. She was healing well, but she acquired a touch of pneumonia. Initially, we were terrified, and but by the weekend, she was on the mend. They planned to send her home on Monday morning.

Sunday night, in the middle of the night, Mom woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. When she picked it up, Grandma said, “Karen?” Mom, of course answered her. Then Grandma said something that none of us had expected to hear: “Karen, I just called to say I love you. I sure am gonna miss you. But I have to go now.” Mom responded that she loved Grandma too, but I think she was a bit confused as she heard the click on the other side of the line. That was when she woke up and realized it she had been dreaming. She says she looked at the clock and saw the time. The next morning when we got the call, we learned that Grandma had passed a minute before mom awoke and saw the time. Mom says she knew immediately.

Techy had a similar experience about a month after his mother passed away. He says she came to him in his sleep and told him she loved him. She was sorry for the pain she had put him through. They hugged. He told her he loved her. He forgave her. He missed her. And then he woke up.

In my heart of hearts, I believe in both cases, God gave a special gift. An opportunity to say goodbye to the ones you love.

Say what you will - it was their subconscious thoughts, or whatever. But I know what I believe. And it never ceases to warm my heart, give me goosebumps, and yes, bring tears to my eyes.

Praying

God of justice, Saviour to all,

Came to rescue the weak and the poor

Chose to serve and not be served...

Saying some prayers for the ones who are hurting tonight.

And there are so many.

Yet, God is still on the throne tonight, just as he always is.

"The Lord has bared his holy arm in the sight of all the nations that all the ends of the earth may see the salvation of our God."

May he bring glory through the dark days!

And in the mean time, may He "Fill us up and send us out" to comfort those around us.

In the beginning was the Word

Last night, Techy and I {and a couple of our closest friends} watched “The Book of Eli”.

Seen it?

If not. Stop reading and go watch it. Otherwise, I am going to completely ruin the whole premise of the movie.

I was completely moved.

Very rarely is the Bible portrayed in a good light. Much less as something worth fighting for.

And in this movie, it is the treasure.

When it was over, I felt like I needed to grab my old KJV and hug it to my chest.

It is something we take for granted. Something that has been around forever. But what if it was taken away. What would the world be like? What would you be like?

There were a few things that really touched me, though.

Throughout the movie, the comment is made that we are to walk by faith and not by sight. What would happen if we did? If we were so in touch with our faith that it was palpable. That it guided where we go and what we do…. But it’s so difficult in this world. We are so caught up in the actual visual world around us….

Finally, I am compelled by a single phrase from one little verse – a verse that wasn’t even quoted in the movie at all – “I will hide your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Whether now or 35 years from now, there will come a time in my life that I need the guidance that can only be gained from my Bible at a time when I don’t have access to one.

I remember when my Great Grandma Price was in the hospital, she was a nervous wreck without her Bible. Mom and sister stayed up with her into the wee hours of the morning quoting scripture to her. She would say a verse or two, mom would quote one that she remembered, Sarah would quote one. And Grandma was finally calm, peaceful, and able to rest.

I guess I can’t really begin to explain to you the cord that movie struck in me. But trust me when I say it shook my little Southern Baptist world.

The Bible is valuable. It is earth changing and powerful.
Sad that it took the thought of not having it to make it valuable to me.

Beauty from Ashes

As I was tagging (i.e., labeling) my blog earlier this week, I realized something sad. My "Soul Searching" posts are seriously lagging. And I made up my mind to make a better effort of giving a little more of a nod to God.

And then yesterday happened.

And now, today, I had a chance to see God working again.

I will try not to get bogged down in the details, but this story is just incredible.

Back in December, right before Little Man was born, one of the ladies I work with, Mary, went out for some surgery. It was just a minor surgery, but during her recovery, she started getting violently ill. And then one day, she passed out.
Then more headaches and sickness. A visit to the doctor. Stomach virus.

4 days later, she went to another doctor, who sent her for tests and a CAT scan. She had had an aneurysm. She was immediately sent to Jefferson in Philly for surgery. They doctors didn't give her much of a chance. Hers was a very serious case.

Multiple surgeries, rehab stints, hospital stays, and more rehab visits later, she is almost fully recovered. A walking miracle to say the least. Her story is incredible. There were days we never thought we would see Mary again. Let alone see her walking through the front doors of this building. And yes, I cried when I saw her. She cried. Our other coworkers cried. We are women, what else could be done.

It's just another reminder of what a big God we serve. And even when we have little or no hope, He still has all the power.

I am again reminded of one of my favorite passages of Scripture:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
-Isaiah 61:1-5

Thankful for the beauty from the ashes

Somewhere between the heat and PMS…I saw a rainbow.

We are going on 5 days of 90+ degree heat. I function best in the 77-80 degree range. I do not function well at all in 90+ degree heat. It’s miserable.

On top of that, as I mentioned yesterday, Aunt Flo stopped by for a much anticipated visit.

Suffice it to say that I have been a little more on edge than normal this week.

Poor Techy.

I have abused him at his worst this week. Including, but not limited to, a waterworks episode, the likes of which he has NEVER seen. The likes of which we have yet to experience in our marriage. The likes of which we hope to never see again. But hey, isn’t that what marriage is all about? Experiencing new things together?

Oh well.

Yesterday was one of those no good, awful, very bad days. The kind we do not speak of. You might say I was in a funk. I wouldn’t, but you might.

And to top things off, I decided to climb on the Wii Fit last night for the first time in oh, 4 months. (What possesses one to do a body assessment when Aunt Flo is in town, I will never know. Except for the fact that Aunt Flo makes one crazy.)

And after reading that after months of hard work and VISIBLE change, my BMI went up, I was at my wit’s end. I had had enough.

So we went to bed. Me, very unhappy, cranky, miserable, tired, upset, & fat. Techy, very unsure how to respond to my craziness. I think he thinks between the combination of the stress that Aunt Flo adds to my demeanor and the heat, I may combust.

And then something magically simple happened.

My phone rang. It was my Daddy. Just calling to tell me that he was thinking about me.
(FYI. Daddy does this about once every 2 weeks. It isn’t a daily thing by any means.)

Within a minute of hanging up from talking to him, my mom called. “Just because I didn’t talk to you today and I been thinking about you…”

And unbeknownst to me, Techy had texted my mom to tell her how badly I was in need of some encouragement. HOWEVER, she didn’t get the text until after she talked to me.

So on a day when I was in the biggest Eeyore sized gloom ever, I experienced something that I haven’t experienced in quite some time. Something Mom and I lovingly refer to as a “God Thing”. A moment in time, when you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has taken a personal hand to orchestrate something special just for you.

The fact that Daddy called at just the right time to provide some encouragement. Then Mom called at just the right time to provide some encouragement. And Techy, who I had been all upset with all day, still cared enough to provided a little encouragement.

Now, you may think, “Coincidence.” But I think, an extra Big God, took an extra minute of His time – at just the right time – to give me some encouragement.

And all I can think is how little I deserve any of it, let alone His time or His love.

And all I can do is say, “Thanks, God. I needed that.” Doesn’t seem fair does it?

I am wearing my Easter bonnet, where's yours?

This year, as I think about Easter, I am so thankful. To me, it is so easy to see Christ as our redeemer and love Him so much for His gift to us, and in turn, view God the Father as someone to fear. This year, as I have thought over the Easter story, God touched my heart with something I have never realized before – this plan was not Christ’s plan. Jesus actually begged for a way out as he prayed in the garden that last night. He was willing, he gave his life for us, but this was the Father’s plan. This was His only way to restore fellowship with us and He wanted it so badly that He sent his Son to die for us, in our place, giving us Mercy – a gift that we never deserved. But that’s how much He loves us.

Philips, Craig & Dean recorded this song several years ago that brings me to tears almost everytime I hear it. The first verse is so graphic for me. It’s more about the gift God gave us that day than about the actual Easter story. The first verse goes:

“Once there was a holy place, evidence of God’s embrace,
I could almost see Mercy’s face pressed against the veil,
looking down with longing eyes, Mercy must have realized
once His blood was sacrificed, freedom would prevail.
And as the sky grew dark and the earth began to shake,
with Justice no longer in the way, Mercy came a runnin’
like a prisoner set free,
past all my failures to the point of my need,
when the sin that I carried was all I could see,
when I could not reach Mercy, Mercy came a runnin’ to me!”

I totally get it! I can visualize Mercy standing there waiting for the go-ahead from the Father. I envision the Father watching anxiously, almost on the edge of His seat, knowing that everything would go according to plan, but so anxious for the final moment that He was tapping his fingers on His throne. I imagine that final moment as Jesus cried out “It is finished”, the Father – with just a twitch of His finger – tore through the veil that for so long had separated God from his people and motioned Mercy on His way to reach all of us. The sad thing is that so many of us have rejected Mercy and the Father, despite all the love poured out in that moment in time.

This Easter weekend, I hope that you can honestly say that you have not turned Him away, but have welcomed Him into your heart to make Himself at home.

God Bless and Happy Easter!

In place

So I have been thinking alot lately and doing alot of self examination tempered by even more prayer. I am learning alot about who I am and who God made me to be. A few things I have learned:

1. I am a missionary
You may or may not know that my junior year of college, I surrendered my life to God. I wanted to be a missionary and my entire senior year I asked God to open or close doors as he saw fit, but I wanted to be a missionary to Uganda. Unfortunately, God never opened that door for me. Instead he made me a missionary to Delaware. I am not the kind of missionary that you traditionally think of, though. I do not work in the ministry full time, but that does not mean that God is not using me to accomplish his will and spread his message. I am doing what he has called me to do. I have the job he wants me to have. I am a mommy to the son that he gave me and a wife to the husband he gave me. I am a Sunday school teacher and (hopefully) a mentor in the ministry that he has placed me in. I may not be perfect, but I am positive that I am right where God wants me to be doing what God wants me to be doing. And isn't that what being a missionary is all about? Standing in the gap that God puts you in and ministering to the people He places in your way?

2. I am extremely weak
Physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I complain, I gossip, I judge - I fail constantly. And yet...

3. I am really prideful.
Don't ask me what I have to be so proud of....

4. I am a coat-tail rider
This is a startling revelation to me. I have been thinking/praying through alot lately and I realized that my dream has never been to overcome all the challenges and be the front-runner of anything. When I imagine grand things for me, I imagine myself being the right hand support for said front-runner. Over the years, Techy has dabbled in fixing computers on the side, and I always daydream about him creating his own company with me as his administrative/clerical sidekick. Isn't that sad? That's what I day dream about.... I almost want to laugh or cry or something. If life were "Survivor", I would be Natalie from last season (only I wouldn't win a million dollars for my coat-tail riding abilities)

5. I fit where God wants me to fit.
Why is it that those who want so badly to fit in never do and those who don't care do? Imagine a short, fat girl, frizzy haired girl with giant, round blue rimmed glasses in a long jumper and then you will have a somewhat clear image of what I looked like in middle/high school. Then imagine her going off to college in the same long denim jumper (only it was tighter because I gained weight post-graduation due to some boy drama) with slightly shorter, frizzier hair and blue eyeliner. It should be no surprise that I did not fit in with the "In" crowd at all. But the frizzy-headed girl grew up, lost the glasses, ditched the extra weight(then put it back on post-baby) with high expectations of being welcomed to the "In" crowd with open arms...never happened.
Now imagine a skinny, short, teenage boy who looked like he was still 12 years old, who loved video games, computers, and explosives, now mix in a little "I don't care if anybody likes me, I like everyone!" attitude and you will meet one of the most popular people I know - my hubby. In college he quickly rounded out and aged slightly, but he still has a baby face and he never got any taller than 5'10", he isn't into athletics, and he doesn't care to be. He doesn't need to fit in and yet.... Techy could never return phone calls, never check messages, forget names, forget faces, right down to completely avoiding someone, and people still flock to him. (Probably because of that "I like EVERYONE!" attitude....)
Luckily, I have always been blessed with solid friends to get me to the next stage, whether they be best friends to weather the storms with or my mom (who, by the way, is one of the best friends I could ever ask for), there has always been someone to lean on. Not to mention Techy, who is the bestest friend/love of my life that I could ever ask for. With all that, I am doing way better than the "In" crowd!

6. I am exactly where God wants me to be for now.
You may think this is totally bizarre when I tell you how I know this. A while ago, I was going through a very rough phase. Techy and I had been married for several years and although our marriage was fantastic, I was feeling very alone, very unfulfilled in ministry, unfulfilled in my job, just not right. I remember the night that I hit my breaking point…we were on our way to a Christian concert with some friends. I had been praying all afternoon about the situation. On the way, I started to voice my concern to the hubs. As is common, he was completely oblivious to my feelings, but we decided we would pray about it.
We got lost on the way and ended up being late to the concert, but when we walked in the gates, the song the artist was playing stopped me in my tracks. “Greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city”. Being the emotional wreck that I am, I burst into tears. I call it a God moment, when God moves everything to speak to me…it has happened a couple times in my life and I am telling you it’s incredible. Whenever I start to feel that old itch kick up, I start praying for God to show me where he wants me to be, and you wouldn’t believe how often that song ends up on the radio or in a video at church…. For right now, I can tell you that I am where he wants me to be. Who knows what the upcoming weeks/months may bring, but for now, I am in my place and in position. And I am happy with that!

Ponderings

I love Christmas. It's always been such a magical and exciting time of year. Well, until I got married it was always a very exciting and magical time of year. But something happened when I got married. Not sure if it had to do with the extra family, the travelling, the lack of someone else being my Santa, but the last 3 Christmases - although being memorable and some of them very fun - have not been the same.

This Christmas has been nothing if not hectic and lacking tradition. To be honest, I think that's the clincher. My life has changed so much in the last 4 years that tradition, which is something we all seem to cling to this time of year, has flown right out the window for us. Realizing as I finished up my final gift wrapping last night, that these days will soon be gone made me hope for a future filled with tradition for our Little Man.

The one thing that keeps me hanging on to my sanity during this magical season?

The Nativity.

Never has the life of Mary and Joseph seemed so real. Never has her pain been more understandable. Never has the hope of a better future been more understandable.

Last night, I watched "The Nativity" (TNT made for tv special....) and as many years as I have heard the story, as many times as I have thought about it, never has it seemed so real. The Jewish people were waiting for their Messiah of promise to come. No one expected him to come in the way he did, and certainly no one would have expected him to arrive in the shadow of shame that Mary and Joseph carried with them. And yet, come he did in star studded simplicity with only a few shepherds as witnesses.... And shepherds were the recluses of the day, living their lives in solitude, except for their sheep. Who was going to listen to shepherds?

As I reflected on the heritage that we have been passed, I noted a few key points relative to the Providence of our great God.

-He provided a husband for a shamed Mary. A man of strong character who was willing to care for her and her unborn son in spite of the shame it would cause to himself.

-He provided a way of escape from the shame that the couple lived in. If you know anything of Bible times, you probably realize that the engagement time had not yet been completed. For Mary to become pregnant meant either she had been unfaithful to Joseph or she and Joseph had together defiled the law. Either way was shameful, and in a village the size of Nazareth, with a population of less than my own housing development, everyone would have known of their shame and would have likely looked down on them.

The call to have every man return to the city of his birth for the census, took them away from that shame during the most critical hour, and Herod's killing craze of all the baby boys in Bethlehem drove them to Egypt for several years. By the time they returned to the small village of Nazareth, the shame that had once been associated with the couple would have paled and life would have moved on.

-He provided strength to get the couple to Bethlehem. The journey was more than 80 miles from Nazareth to Bethlehem, and Mary was very near term. Whether she walked or rode a donkey is not known, but either way, the assumption can be made that the travel did nothing to help her condition. And yet, true to prophecy, the couple made it to the small village of Bethlehem just in time for her delivery.

-He provided solitude in a crowded little village of people. No, a stable would not have been the most desirable place, but considering the fact that Mary was probably a young teenage girl, and had already been living in shame for several months, I would say that giving birth in a crowded inn full of men, women, and children staring at you would not have been any more desirable.

I think what touches me most about the arrival of our Savior is the sheer beauty of God's hand. The fact that in accomplishing the largest task He has ever completed, he wove in immaculate detail, every provision needed into the lives of the people he used.

As I look to the very near future of my own son being born, I realize I have been blessed. Unlike Mary, I have never had to suffer shame for my condition. Unlike Mary, I will more than likely deliver in a clean comfortable environment with the luxuries of modern medicine. Unlike Mary, I will be surrounded by loving friends and family who are proud of our Little Man.

However, like Mary, I am faced with the knowledge that my child is God's to do with what He chooses. I have no idea what God may call my Little Man to do or what I, as his mother, will be faced with. I do know that our great Father who orders all things well, has a plan for this little baby, and that in His divine providence He will continue to show himself faithful to us, as he did to a young couple from Nazareth so many years ago.